A few weeks ago, I was wrestling with trust in God. Ok, who I am kidding? I wrestle with trusting God more often than that, but I want to tell you about this particular time. It was regarding our finances. Since coming back to America, I have found life to be more expensive. America is the Land of Opportunity (To Spend More Money on Everything).
As I was struggling to leave this in God’s hands, the phrase came to mind, “Who was and is and is to come.” It’s found several times in Revelations, referring to God. As I pondered that phrase, I realized God was telling me, “Gina, I have provided for you in the past. I am providing for you now. I will provide for you.” It occurred to me that I could say that about any aspect of His character – He has saved, He is saving, He will save. He has loved, He is loving, He will love. He has been good, He is good, He will be good. He has abided, He is abiding, He will abide with me. He was and is and is to come.
It was a great comfort to feel this sense of being surrounded by God in time (and to know that I could therefore trust Him with this issue). This I can count on. Whatever we need. Always. Constant. Faithful. Unchanging. That’s good news. He abides.
Um . . . . full disclosure? I don’t feel like writing tonight. I feel like I have nothing to report. Today was a pretty ordinary day. I got up, exercised, prayed, got ready. I got the kids up, made them breakfast, drove the carpool to school. I helped in Megan’s classroom and hung around while she had a meeting after school. We drove home. I made dinner, changed, and drove Megan to soccer. I tried running a little while I was there, then gave up and walked instead. We came home.
There were no magical moments. Nothing seemingly life-changing (aside from the fact that I did become an aunt today for the first time – but that is clearly my sister-in-law’s victory and I applaud her). It was not a red letter day for me.
I want the big victories. I want the obvious, significant, recognized moments, the ones that make the world take notice, but life doesn’t have many of those.
Instead, it has days like today. Lots of them. So was there any victory today? Yes. My victory today is that I was faithful to do what God gave me to do. That’s all, and that’s enough.
That was a relief to me because faith is not my strong suit. It’s not my faith or lack of it that carries me, it’s His faithfulness. When I think about the transitions we’ve gone through as a family, I can see how true this is.
God’s Faithfulness through Transition
When we moved overseas, God showed us His sovereignty and goodness, when we questioned whether having a baby, leading a team, and learning new language and culture all at the same time was really the best idea. It was, for His purposes.
In becoming a mom, He showed me that He is El Roi – the God who sees us, even when the world might not.
When we moved to Singapore, and He knew how hard it was for us to leave, He showed us His tenderness and compassion through working out all the details in perfect timing.
When we moved back into East Asia 5 years later, things didn’t go quite so smoothly. I remember saying to God, “But last time you worked all these things out so well! Why not now?” And He said, “Because that’s not what you need now.” What we needed was to be refreshed and renewed, and He showed His delight in doing that for us.
When we moved back to the U.S., I wondered, “How will God reveal Himself to us this time?”
God’s Recent Faithfulness
There were huge decisions to make. We had to buy a house – here we were at 40 years old but we’d never bought a house before! We had to decide what part of Orlando to live in, and we discovered that our friends could be very evangelistic about what part of Orlando is best. It was confusing; They all sounded good! We had to decide where to send our kids to school – we’d not had a lot of options before. It was overwhelming, and the best pro/con list in the world wasn’t going to help us. The house we bought had the most pros, but it also had the most cons, by far.
What we needed was His wisdom. If you ask me today why we chose this area, this house, this school, I will say that it was simply because God told us to. With each decision there came a day when He clearly said, “This one. This place.” He has been our wisdom and our guide.
Recently I pulled out all the journals I could find that I’ve written as an adult. (Yes, I still write on paper. Someday, when computers take over the world, they will have to pry the last piece of paper from my cold, dead hands).
But I digress. I am trying to gather my thoughts from our time in Asia and assemble them into a book for people to read. I went searching through my journals for evidence of how God was working in my heart through all that time. I discovered lots of great quotes from conferences and books, evidence that I have always been addicted to chocolate, and the knowledge that on January 31, 2004, our son tried to heal a cut on his foot by stepping on a piece of processed cheese. Genius.
And I found God. God meeting me over and over again in places just like this one. I was reminded of His tenderness as we moved from China to Singapore, when all the details worked out so smoothly it was uncanny, and it was like He said, “I know this is hard for you. Let me make it just a little easier.” I saw His joy in refreshing me through the first summer back in China, after two tough years in Singapore. I felt Him as El Roi – the God who sees, in those times when I had lost my bearings and felt invisible. I was reminded of the pure realness of His existence as I pondered Him meeting me on the other side of the globe. I experienced His answers to prayer over and over. I saw Him as my Shepherd, directing my path in new and unfamiliar places. His mercy, grace, compassion – it was all there.
His faithfulness is unspeakable. I’m so thankful to have this written evidence that serves as a reminder to me that the One who was with me consistently there is the same One who is with me now.
We haven’t yet had the full force of hurricane season here, but I anticipate that it will be interesting. In our kids’ school binders, several of the teachers have typed in a “hurricane alternative” curriculum for the days we’re stuck at home. Like a snow day I guess! I’m sure we’ll get to know the weather reporters on the local news well.
I feel like a weather reporter myself sometimes when it comes to updates about our transition, “The subtropical storm depression Gina from last week has temporarily subsized, but from the north side of the house we are detecting a storm surge from potential tropical storm Ethan. Parents, be advised.”
Yes, if it’s not one of us, it’s another. As I lay awake the other night praying about this, God reminded me that He has seen thousands, hundreds of thousands, nay probably millions of people, through transitions. He walked through those with them; He will walk with us. He controls the wind, the rain. He is my eye of the storm, the shelter.
“Seek the Lord and his strength. Seek his presence continually!” Psalm 105:4
Do not let the current state of our house fool you.
Though people who visit express astonishment at how “settled” everything looks, mine is not a settled heart. Perhaps our zeal to get the house in order quickly is partly a way to occupy our hearts. It distracts them, and makes them think they are settled too.
It’s also evidence that this isn’t our first rodeo. We know we’d rather go great guns at the beginning rather than drag out the process of unpacking and decorating.
Truth be told, my heart feels untethered. Lost. I miss knowing and being known. I remember now Ethan’s “my heart is tired of all the new things.” The new things make my heart feel like it’s climbing a mountain. The last few days I’ve let myself linger in these feelings a little more, shed some tears.
I search the scripture for some balm. What I really want is for something to make it all go away – something to satisfy my need to feel found, rooted, known. Part of me knows I am all these things in God, but feelings don’t so quickly follow reality. I hope He will give me something more.
What I find is not satisfaction but hope. Psalm 37:3 says, “dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness.” I know that for my heart to move toward satisfaction it will take courage, faith, endurance, and lots of time.
In the meanwhile, I feed on His faithfulness to me. I recall the transitions of my life and I have hope. He has proved Himself good to us again and again. He is El Roi, the God Who Sees. Jehovah Jireh, the One Who Provides. Immanuel, God With Us. I will feed on this.
“At an acceptable time, O God . . . answer me in your saving faithfulness.” Psalm 69:13
