What I’m Learning about Loneliness

Gina Butz identity, trials 2 Comments

What I'm learning about loneliness

photo by Jean Garber

Confession: in this season of life, loneliness is a frequent companion of mine.

If it were up to me, my life would be a constant episode of Friends, Cheers, or Seinfeld, living in the assurance that I belong to a tight-knit group of people whose doors are always open to me, and who are seemingly always available.

Perhaps my expectations are a wee high.

But we all want to be known, to belong, to be pursued, and to be loved. Loneliness feels like a stamp of disapproval. You somehow missed the invitation to the party.

Whenever loneliness entered in my life in the past, I begged God to take it away. This time around, I feel Him asking me to linger in it a little longer, because loneliness teaches me something.

This is what I am learning about loneliness:

It is not an indictment. I keep silent about being lonely because it feels like a judgment; there must be a reason I’m lonely. Like maybe I’m really unpleasant to be around and no one’s telling me (although I’m confident enough to doubt this is the case. I like me. I can’t be the only one). In the void, the enemy speaks shame to the lonely, keeping us locked in silence.

Sometimes loneliness just is. It’s not the result of doing something wrong, or something wrong with you. It’s just a plot thread in this chapter of the story. God’s writing a good story for each of us.

There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Several weeks ago, my husband went on his first long trip in a while. I was achingly lonely, even though I interacted with plenty of people. Last week, he was gone again for another week, but I felt content to be by myself, breathing in the silence and enjoying more time to think.

You can be alone and not lonely. And you can be surrounded by people and feel terribly lonely. It’s good to recognize the difference.

Lots of people are lonely. Sometimes I wonder how many of us sit in loneliness, wishing someone would reach out. Imagine all of us finding each other if only we stopped being silent about our loneliness. But again, shame wants us to believe we are the only ones.

The lonely ones are probably the most unexpected. My guess is most leaders are lonely. Think of our pastors, our bosses, the famous men and women we admire from a distance.

You know what that distance does? It isolates. The pressure to fit an image, the way position or status makes it hard to relate to others-they make it a challenge for many to find people who relate to them as peers. They might need companionship the most.

Loneliness pulls back the veil. One of the most frightening aspects of loneliness is that it exposes what we hide in our busy activity. It shows how much we hunger for companionship, what we most deeply desire, and how easily our souls settle for lesser things. That is something to be explored, not avoided.

It is an invitation to solitude and silence. Sometimes I shy away from solitude and silence because they feel too much like loneliness. But loneliness invites us into these very practices so necessary for our souls. Here, loneliness is not only a teacher, but a friend in itself, leading us to places where God will meet us.

In the allegory Hind’s Feet on High Places, the protagonist, Much Afraid, has two companions for her journey: Sorrow and Suffering. She loathes to take their hands, but the more she does, the more strength she receives.

Loneliness is another unwanted companion for many of us. But as we take its hand, we may learn it is not to be feared as much as we believe. Rather, it is a place where we can meet God in our deepest hunger and desire, where He can teach us.


Related posts:

 Lean In 

Why God Won’t Just Make It Easier

never miss a post

Comments 2

  1. I resonate so much with what you write! Maybe it’s the introvert connection? I loved, “Sure, I’m an introvert, but I want to know that someone’s there if I need them.” Thanks for sharing what you are learning.

    I couldn’t help but think when I read, “But we all want to be known, to belong, to be pursued, to be loved.” that you are loved, loved by so many of us who read your blog. I feel I know you better on the blog than in person, especially since we no longer get to be in the same room! I don’t pursue you in person, but I’m here anytime you want to send an email. We live miles away, but I always feel close to you.

    Thanks for sharing your heart, for putting yourself out there, so that we can love you.

    1. Thanks Maggie! I think being an introvert, people also assume that I’d rather be left alone. Not the case! It’s easy to have a life flooded with superficial interactions without real depth. Even the most introverted among us needs to be known. Thanks for your encouragement. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *